By Emily Toy  – The  Independent  March 21, 2012

“I hope you’re living the life you’re proud of. And if you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start over again.”
So said Merrill Lynch vice president and domestic violence survivor Nicole Behrens. Behrens, a woman who suffered nearly a decade of abuse, spoke on a panel at Bay Street Theatre last Thursday night to a crowd of about 70 men and women after a screening of the film Tyson, an introspective look at the downfall of the controversial boxer Mike Tyson, a man notorious for his violence both in and out of the ring.
Sponsored by The Retreat (an East Hampton based provider for domestic violence services), Long Island Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence, and Southampton Hospital, the event included a mixture of original interviews and archival footage shedding light on Tyson’s rollercoaster experience of intense highs and extreme lows. A panel discussion followed the film.
Recently, The Retreat joined forces with LICADD in a federal initiative to engage men in preventing violence against women.
“The Retreat saved me,” Behrens said. “Sometimes you don’t always realize you have an option that changes your life.”
Author Steven Gaines led the panel discussion, which also included chief nursing officer and vice president of patient services at Southampton Hospital Patricia Darcey as well as vice provost for undergraduate education and dean of the undergraduate colleges at Stony Brook, Charles Robbins.
“When we can have a discussion, we’re better for it,” Robbins said. “We have to be careful because most men who are abusers don’t look like Mike Tyson, they look like me. They go to work, they participate in community events.”
Darcey reported that domestic violence is among the most underreported crimes at hospitals.
“People don’t come into an office with a plaque around their neck saying they’re abused,” Robbins said.
The panel also reported that one in three women are impacted by assault or violence at some point in their lives. About 20 percent of domestic violence cases end in homicide, with 85 percent of those instances involving an intoxicated spouse (usually a male).
The panel discussion not only focused on details and facts of domestic violence, but what can be done to prevent such actions. Robbins posed the question of what men can do to prevent domestic violence from occurring.
“Men can say there’s no room for violence in loving relationships,” he said. “Men need to be partners and be supportive.”
Assemblyman Fred Thiele was on hand to voice his ongoing support and to issue a proclamation to the agencies sponsoring the event.
“Domestic violence does not occur in isolation,” Thiele said. “It’s been my pleasure getting to know all of you and working closely with The Retreat for all these years.”
Sponsored by grants and donations, The Retreat has been a fixture in the East End community for about 25 years. Several audience members praised The Retreat for being helpful in overcoming abuse and getting the necessary aid.
One formerly abused woman in the audience credited The Retreat with getting her out of an abusive relationship, something she says she has struggled with for nearly 20 years.
“Support The Retreat,” she said, “because domestic violence never goes away.”
To contact The Retreat, call 631-329-2200 or visit www.theretreatinc.org.
Emily@indyeastend.com

Sag Harbor – The Retreat, Long Island Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence (LICADD) and Southampton Hospitalhosted a screening of the film “TYSON” at Bay Street Theatre on Thursday, March 15, 2012.

Assemblyman Fred Thiele and The Retreat Executive Director Jeffrey Friedman. (Eileen Casey)

The film is a hard-hitting, brutally honest and engrossing portrait of former World Heavyweight boxer, Mike Tyson. Directed by James Toback, this sports documentary reveals the career, character and perhaps causes of why Tyson, the youngest heavyweight champion in history, and second to win the title three times, became as well known for his domestic violence and prison sentence for rape, as he is known for his extraordinary athletic skill and talents. Through the use of original and archival footage, and as told by Tyson himself, the portrait of a man prone to violence with and/or without the aid of alcohol and drugs is revealed in all its disturbing reality.
Following the film, a panel discussion was held, moderated by well known author, Steven Gaines, to “Discuss the role of drug and alcohol abuse, and the social construction of masculinity in spiking incidences of violence against women” with panelists Nicole Behrens, presently a Vice President at Merrill Lynch, who endured an abusive relationship for more than a decade, and is now a Board member of The Retreat; Charles Robbins, FSW, LCSW, Vice President for Undergraduate Education and Dean of the Undergraduate Colleges at Stony Brook University. He is also a clinical consultant to and member of the leadership council of LICADD. An author of numerous articles, Robbins “Areas of professional interest and research include violence between intimate partners, men’s health, substance abuse and cultural competency;” and Patricia Darcey, Chief Nursing Officer and Vice President of Patient Services at Southampton Hospital. “As a registered nurse, she has worked in the county affiliated health centers as an HIV counselor and advocate for the prevention of child abuse and domestic violence.”

Kathy Lynch and Fred Hyatt show their support. (Eileen Casey)

“The Retreat recently joined forces with LICADD on a groundbreaking federal initiative to engage men in preventing violence against women. This initiative will raise awareness of the link between substance abuse and violence against women, and engage men to become part of the solution.”
“This film is the perfect catalyst for us as a community to start talking about domestic violence, bullying, and substance abuse,” said Jeffrey Friedman, Executive Director, The Retreat.
And talk they did – as Gaines kept the discussion moving briskly with informative insights as to some of the common causes of domestic violence, stating “I was shocked to discover that one in three women are affected by violence.”
All panelists readily agreed that violence is about control. Robbins made a very clear point, “Not all abusers look like Mike Tyson – many are those that might sit next to you at work, church or elsewhere – don’t be fooled, abusers and abuse come in all forms, sizes and outcomes.” Darcey indicated that a few key observations might reveal a domestic violence situation, “We have found that posters or help line signs hanging in lobbies are now probably more effective actually being posted in bathrooms as that is probably the only place a male (or female) will not follow each other.” Darcey also noted, “It is up to professionals to be involved as well and suggested professionals could watch for seasonal clothing – women complaining about migraine headaches, inabilty to make direct eye contact, lack of privacy, women wearing long sleeves in summer, turtleneck sweaters and such – and that many abused may not display obvious physical signs of abuse.” Behrens candidly admitted, “I was in an abusive relationship even before I married this man, but I thought ‘I can fix him’ – which of course I couldn’t – I had to fix myself first.”

Robbins also discussed that “Men are not taught to reveal their emotions, or to communicate with full hearts, and they are not taught to reveal any vulnerability.” Again, the panelists agreed that violence can begin as early as junior high school or high school, and that it is not just physical violence but perhaps emotional and financial violence, and stalking and intimidation as well, and emphatically agreed and concluded that “The first level of business is to always protect women and children.”
A rather interesting note was raised when Gaines queried as to why violence seems to be directed at pregnant women as well, and Robbins clarified that issues of control, sexuality, and fear of replacement are certainly contributing factors.

“The Retreat’s mission is to provide safety, shelter and support for victims of domestic abuse and to break the cycle of family violence.”
Assemblyman Fred Thiele presented a Proclamation to The Retreat Executive Director Jeffrey Friedman, well deserved, as all of these organizations offer real hope, empathy and tangible solutions for those who have been victims of domestic violence, and may have suffered or are suffering, sometimes in heartbreaking silence, the oftentimes horrific outcomes of alcohol and drug dependent spouses and partners.
Certainly an important evening at Bay Street which hosted the opportunity for community members and concerned citizens to gather to discuss an unfortunate and under-reported stain on our mutual humanity in the form of domestic violence.
Bay Street Theatre is a not-for-profit regial theater presenting new, classic and contemporary works, with a commitment to challenging and entertaining our diverse community. This commitment extends to innovative educational programs that highlight the power of live theater. It is our mission to be an artistic haven for an extended family of artists and audience, while continuing to provide a gathering place to share in the unique collective theatrical experience.

The Retreat Vice President of Development Richard Demato and owner of Race Lane Restaurant Rowaida Plumen. (Eileen Casey)

East Hampton - The Retreat celebrated its 25th Anniversary at Race Lane Restaurant on Thursday, March 1, with live music from Alfredo Merat, and vocalist Lee Michel with pianistSteve Skodlberg, along with a huge crowd of community members, volunteers and supporters.

The Retreat Executive Director Jeffrey Friedman indicated his gratitude “For the outpouring of community support we have always received.” Friedman also revealed “This celebration is just amazing in that The Retreat has been recognizing and dealing with domestic violence now for the past 25 years. Those who have always helped us are to be thanked for the numerous lives they have touched with their care and generosity.”

“The Retreat’s mission is to provide safety, shelter and support for victims of domestic abuse and to break the cycle of family violence. In pursuit of [our] mission, The Retreat annually provides help for thousands of families.”

With more than 100 volunteers, The Retreat offers numerous services including shelter, including childen; counseling and advocacy programs; legal accompaniment; referrals; and hotline services.

Oscar Mandes with Southampton Hospital President and CEO Robert Chaloner. (Eileen Casey)

Additionally, The Retreat reaches students with its in-school violence prevention education programs; community education, and addresses and educates “batterers to take responsibility for their abusive behavior and learn new strategies to cope with relationship issues.”

The birthday bash celebration on Thursday drew a filled to capacity crowd of well-wishers and supporters who enjoyed the delicious (and donated) hors d’oeuvres, wine and beer provided by Race Lane Restaurant owners Jay andRowaida Plumen; raffles offering some wonderful prizes, and the opportunity to visit with old and new friends in a show of support for the tremendous, and necesssary work The Retreat provides to our community.

With 100 percent of the evening’s proceeds going directly to The Retreat, established in 1987, the evening provided an opportunity to give back to an organization which provides such vital and perhaps life-saving services to all community members.

February 16, 2012  by David Rattiner

Article posted on Dan’s Hamptons  — Read article here

The day after the Grammy Awards I had a discussion with a number of colleagues here at danshamptons.com about Chris Brown’s performing at the show. It had nothing to do with what he sang or the production values. It had everything to do with the fact that he should not have been up on that stage at all.

In 2009, Chris Brown and his girlfriend at the time, Rihanna, got into an argument that lead to blows—blows so bad that Rihanna ended up in the hospital. To call the pictures that were released from that incident horrible and shocking is an understatement.

Here’s the police report with the details of the incident. Click on this link and read the .pdf. Then read on below.

I’m not okay with Chris Brown. This guy simply should not be celebrated, particularly by the music industry on music’s biggest night. Yet he was. Men and women stood and cheered when he came out. I just don’t get it.

I’m not the only one who isn’t okay with Chris Brown. The Retreat, the East Hampton–based center offering services for women who have suffered domestic violence, is also not okay with him. They recently sent an e-mail explaining their position regarding Brown’ not just being a main performer at the Grammy’s, but the shocking reactions of certain people:

From The Retreat Our sisters at the National Women’s Political Caucus said it best “It’s bad enough Pop Star Chris Brown was allowed to perform (at the Grammys), but these responses are outright offensive and disturbing. Join the fight to reauthorize VAWA in 2012.”

Their concern, and mine, goes beyond Brown’s merely being allowed to perform. The offensive and disturbing responses referenced above by The Retreat reveal a larger problem. Here are some of the disturbing comments people have made.

What are these people thinking?

I have great respect for the work and opinions of The Retreat. When I was a senior at East Hampton High School, my mother used to work with The Retreat, running the Thrift Store, and she once invited me to speak with some of the kids who were down at the center located by the recreation center in Amagansett. One thing I think will surprise my readers is that the The Retreat is not just for women who have been battered, but for their children as well. When a woman is abused by her boyfriend or husband and needs a place of support, advice and, quite frankly, safety, their children often come with them.

When I spoke with these kids, they all seemed generally unaware as to what was going on, and they were absolutely thrilled to meet me (my mother had chatted me up as a football star and lifeguard to them, so they really looked up to me when I arrived). I took about ten of the kids to the ocean to hang out on the beach. All of them were excited, and it was one of the most rewarding experiences that I can recall in my life.

The bottom line is that men who put women through this type of thing should not be celebrated. They should not be applauded. They should be prosecuted. Join the fight to reauthorize VAWA in 2012.